...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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