2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
