There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
