Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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