It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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