1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
