I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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