im six kinds of drunk right now
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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