Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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