Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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