You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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