I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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