I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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