i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Alive.
So much puke
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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