Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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