The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
