we have pet lesbian snakes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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