I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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