Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
