i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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