I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
