I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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