i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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