I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
