there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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