I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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