i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
