He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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