u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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