and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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