Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
