Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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