I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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