All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
