ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
