I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize