WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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