Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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