My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
