you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
