there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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