SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize