My girlfriend figured out who you are.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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