I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
