Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pappa wants mamma naked
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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