So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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