Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
