I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
