wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
