dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
