so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
