just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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