Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
