i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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