You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
