i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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