I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
