P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
