I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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