I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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