I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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