tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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