I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize