Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
