I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
