Farmville is her only friend.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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