You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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